Give Me Coffee, or Give You Death
by BlackMajjicDuchess
Summary: Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation. Izumo just woke up, and for fuck's sake, Kotetsu had better be a good little bit-I mean roommate and get on that making coffee thing or someone is going to DIE. Oneshot because it's 1:16 a.m. and I fucking love coffee.


"Don't. Say. A word," Izumo cautioned, his eyes hard and daring, promising violent death.

Kotetsu stared at him, the corners of his lips twitching.

Izumo glared.

Kotetsu held his breath.

Izumo scowled.

Kotetsu made a deep nasal sound, trying to retain his laughter.

Izumo narrowed his eyes.

Kotetsu burst out laughing.

"I swear to fucking Kami, I will kill you. I will kill you dead," Izumo warned.

His threat fell on deaf ears. Kotetsu paused from laughing… took a deep breath… and kept right on laughing. "Do you... have any idea… how _ridiculous_…you look?" he managed between gasps of air. "Oh my gosh, it hurts!" He pressed his hand to his abdomen, trying to soothe the splitting pain from the laughter.

Izumo blinked, trying to clear the morning haze from his eyes. Yes, he'd fallen asleep with his bandana on. Yes, his hair had transmogrified into a fucking nightmare vaguely resembling a fanciful lizard with a beard. Not a big fucking deal, if you asked him.

Kotetsu's laughter began to subside. He sighed noisily and with great humor as the fit of giggles dissolved. "Fell asleep with your bandy on again, did you?"

"Fuck you." He dropped his face onto his arm.

"Spend all night grading papers, did you?" 'Grading papers' was code name for doing the Hokage's paperwork for her, the lazy bitch.

"Fuck you, Kotetsu," he mumbled, hindered by the arm-in-face.

"Gonna need to spend all morning getting your hairs did, are you?" He waved a hand over the errant fuzz sticking out in all directions, unable to resist the frill and knowing Izumo wouldn't bother to try to hit him.

Izumo groaned loudly. "By all that is holy in this dreadful shithole of a Village, Kotetsu, if you speak another sentence that does not start with 'coffee,' 'espresso,' 'you're a god, Izumo,' or 'right away, sir,' I will stab you in the jaw."

"Someone's cranky!" Kotetsu sang brightly as he made his way to the coffee pot.

Izumo's eye peered at him from the darkness above his elbow, dark with hate. It blinked shut almost as rapidly as it had opened, too tired to try.

"Alright, alright, I get it," Kotetsu laughed. "I'm making the coffee, see?" He shook the coffee can and held up the filter basket to appease the beast. Most people thought that nine-tailed foxes, zombies, and masked men were the only terrors that needed to be worried about, but Kotetsu knew very well that caffeine addicts were the most common cause of death before that first cup. He never got tired of teasing his best friend about his habit, either. "Didn't you say you were going to give up caffeine? Something about not letting any controlled substances control your life?"

"No, I never said that, you fucking scumbag liarpants," Izumo growled, then added, "Didn't I say I was about to kill you if you didn't shut up?"

"You sure did… Izu-fro," Kotetsu teased. He wasn't fazed at all when a spray of shuriken thunked into the wood of the cupboards above the coffee maker. He knew very well that Izumo wasn't about to risk destroying the Divine Machine. "Watch it, Prince of the Dawn," he joked, "or you might hit something precious."

"You could die in a fire for all that I would care," Izumo snapped in response.

"I meant the Dream Machine, not me," he replied easily as finished pouring in the water and hit "Start."

"…Oh."

Kotetsu wondered idly if he should be worried that his friend had responded like that almost automatically.

The machine started gurgling and purring as it crafted the special concoction that transformed Izumozilla into a human being. They had the top of the line machine… it brewed coffee in three minutes or less every time or you could get your money back. Izumo hated those three minutes almost as much as Naruto hated his three minutes, and for similar reasons.

Kotetsu waited in wry amusement, his arms crossed over his chest. Izumo made a very pathetic scene of groaning with exhaustion, liquefying into his chair, and rolling his head onto each arm over and over again. "Soo…. Tired…" he complained repeatedly. Kotetsu knew better than to get near him without the ambrosia from the pot behind him.

Then, at last, the timer beeped. The coffee was finished. Izumo's ears twitched in response, and he stood straight up in his chair. It was the injection of energy that accompanied a freshly brewed pot of coffee, and it was just barely enough energy for the caffeine-zombie to reach the pot, pour a cup, and take the first sip, almost like the burst of adrenaline that allowed skinny women to lift boulders off of their dying children. Luckily, Izumo had Kotetsu to do all that for him, so the energy injection gave him the temporary wits to do other things…

…like pout, gaze longingly, make puppy dog eyes, and all-around express how the steaming potion in the mug was about to save his endangered soul.

Kotetsu loved this part. He waved the cup beneath his own nose—though he thought the drink was foul—oohed and aahed and pretended like he was about to drink it all—Izumo was never fooled, but he did it anyway—and sauntered over to the kitchen table. Izumo held his hands aloft like a beggar on Sunday, his hands shaking like old bones. "Say pleaaaase," Kotetsu teased.

And suddenly, demon-possessed Izumo would remember his manners. "Please," he'd say, clipping the word as short as possible, ashamed that he was such a slut about coffee.

Then, Kotetsu would set the mug down, making sure he got his fingers out of the way in time before Izumo snatched the cup into his body to shield it from those who might try to claim it for themselves. He'd smile like he'd reunited with a lost lover and shut his eyes to inhale her perfume. And then, the first sip. The fluttering of eyelids as he remembered how to see, and finally…!

"Oh my jeez, I love you, Kotetsu."


End file.
